How to use a watermelon:
1 – As fake road carnage. This is most popular on rural roads connecting Amish farms with “English”- inhabited areas. Simply drive (or buggy) to a lonely road, preferably an intersection; lift watermelon above head and let fall, or throw from vehicle with force, onto road. Think about the thrill of scaring someone and forget the sweet fruit deliciousness you just wasted.
2 – As insight into a hog’s life. This is for those melons so good you want to scrape out every last sugary cell. Simply cut a slice and proceed to eat with great relish and some speed. Keep going until your nose rubs over the edge, juice runs down your mouth and neck, and persons in your company tilt 
their confused expressions back and away in disgust. Think about how delicious the rest of the melon will be as your companions return to their socially accepted bar-b-que chicken pieces.
3 – As a nectar of the gods’. Sometimes you need to take it to another level. Fly away from your earthbound existence and into the provocative realm of sensorial bliss with watermelon nectar. Slice your fruit, and cut 2-inch chunks from each rind, directly into a blender. As the machine whirs, allow yourself to buzz into bee life, the constant self-transport induced hum that carries you to each flower’s sweetspot. Drink of the nectar in succulent silence, filling your belly til glassy-eyed rapture. Continue your day more enlightened than yogic calm. (Note: water is permissible, many times necessary to achieve this nectar. You choose the level of sweet experience.)
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